


Ambiguity

by bookworm03



Series: Adult Relationships [7]
Category: Parks and Recreation
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Best Friends, F/M, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-10
Updated: 2015-11-10
Packaged: 2018-05-01 00:44:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,426
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5185709
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bookworm03/pseuds/bookworm03
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After a decade of loving her, Ben's tired of living in ambiguity.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Ambiguity

**Author's Note:**

> Post-college AU. Leslie and Ben have been best friends since high school and are both secretly in love with each other. 
> 
> Part of a series, so I definitely recommend reading in order as this chapter is a little more plotty. 
> 
> Thank you so much to everyone who left kudos/commented. Yadda, yadda, same thing as last time, you're amazing you make my day, I'm sure you're tired of hearing this. ;) 
> 
> I produced this really quickly. I hope you enjoy it. :)

“Ben? Babe, are you listening?” 

Ben snaps his neck around in an attempt to jolt himself out of his daze. He’d been thinking about Leslie. Again. Not that that's super weird, he usually thinks about her a lot. 

But lately, lately he can’t stop. Lately he keeps hearing her startled voice and wondering if he misheard her on the phone that night he was in Indy. Because it sounded like she said…

And if she _had_ said that, if it was confirmed she’d said what he _thought_ he heard her say he’ll drop the container of arugula he's currently holding and run out the doors and probably not stop running until he's at her house. 

Okay, no, maybe he shouldn’t do that. But he’d want to. A few sparse text messages and no phone calls or in-person visits since he arrived back Sunday night is too much to handle. And now the dreams are back, the dreams where she's in his arms and he doesn’t have to miss her anymore. The dreams he gets when he's with someone else, or she's with someone else, or both, and other relationships are stealing time from each other. The dreams that end abruptly with him completely and totally consumed by her. 

He’d woken up from one of those dreams Tuesday night with a raging erection and Eva smirking knowingly. She’d helped him with his…situation, and he felt so disjointed afterwards he’d practically fallen into the shower and stayed there for an hour, not even noticing he was shaking or that the water had long turned cold. 

He’d called Henry right after. At 5am. Ellie, his girlfriend, had answered and he could the hear the easy smile in her voice when she told him his brother was just waking up. Actually, Ellie was kind of like Leslie in that sense, always up whenever he called, always working hard, total mover and shaker. Even thinking that now hurts. Just thinking her name is starting to make him ache. 

Henry had yelled at him. Repeatedly, and told him not to call him or text him or show up for Christmas dinner until he’d told Leslie everything, because nobody could fucking take this stupid dance anymore. They’d hung up fuming and Ben had gone to work in a huff and now it's two days later and he's getting groceries with Eva. 

And apparently not hearing a word she's saying. 

“Sorry, what?” 

“Are you okay?” she sets a red pepper into the cart and frowns. They’re supposed to be having dinner with Chris and his new “friend” (who Ben’s eighty-five percent certain is Ann Perkins, but Chris is just beside himself with excitement and wants to surprise him) on Saturday. Eva’s got a Christmas dinner/party thing with people from work on the Friday. 

They’re at that point now, the point where his weekends revolve around her; where if he wants to have brunch with Leslie or Leslie and Ann she’s a given to show up too because they'll have spent the night together. The part where when the Parks department goes out and he’s invited along she’s included by default, her arms winding around his waist and her thumbs tucked into the back pockets of his jeans when she wants to snuggle at the end of the night. 

It never used to be this bad. He used to enjoy this stuff, the comfort, the familiarity, the growing intimacy; he used to imagine at some point this level of affection would allow him to move beyond Leslie because he could share moments like that with someone else. 

“Yeah,” he exhales when her palm comes up to rub his chest. Her nails lightly scratch his neck. 

“Are you sure? You don’t look okay.” 

“I’m fine, sorry,” he angles his head down and pecks her lips, stiffening when she wants a little more. God, this is awful, he can’t even kiss his girlfriend in public without being weird about it. Henry’s right, if he doesn’t confess everything then this will only get worse. He’ll never have a normal relationship, he’ll never settle down, he’ll never have a family…

And he wants that. He wants all of that eventually. And if there's no chance of having that with Leslie he needs to know now and move on. 

And if there is a chance…

You can’t live in ambiguity and the fact was, as much as Ben tries to convince himself he’s doing this - avoiding this conversation for the last decade - because he’s afraid of jeopardizing their relationship and losing her completely, he knows that's always only been part of it. The other half of that is he likes living in ambiguity, in this hazy cloud of unknown feelings where things can get built up in his head when he wants them to; where he can justify her actions with the explanation of deep-seated feelings for him she hasn’t come to realize. 

Once he told her, that was gone. Once he told her how he felt she could very easily reject him, and then there'd be no ambiguity to cling to. If she said she didn’t want to be with him then she didn’t and that was that and he’d have to move on. 

Which was healthy, no doubt, but goddammit that would hurt. There weren't words for how much that would hurt. 

“I’ll just do that lemon dressing?” Eva keeps her hand on his back after their kiss breaks. “Chris will like that, right? Will Ann?” 

“We don’t know it’s Ann.” 

“I do,” she sing songs delightedly, brown eyes sparkling. “Chris told me last night when you were finishing up that tax stuff. It sounds like he’s super into her.” 

“Chris sounds like he’s super into everyone.” 

Eva frowns. “Why are you being so grouchy? I thought you’d be happy. I thought Leslie said Ann really wanted - ”

“I’m not being anything, I’m just telling you how Chris is!” 

Okay, maybe he’s being a little grouchy. Eva’s hand drops away and her shoulders square. 

“Ben,” her words are clipped. “What’s wrong? You’ve been acting weird since the first night in Indianapolis when you didn’t even come to bed. You’re working constantly on tax stuff even though it’s definitely not tax season, and you’re…” 

She throws up her hands and sighs, soft curls flowing with her gestures and almond eyes landing on his. “You have to talk to me. I thought you were friends with Ann and I thought you’d be happy she's dating Chris. I thought Leslie _asked_ you to set up Ann and Chris - ”

“I don’t do things just because Leslie asks me too, she’s not my keeper or…whatever,” he runs his fingers through his hair. “Can we just…get this over with.” 

“Honey,” she softens, takes his hands and squeezes. “You’re distracted, you’re not sleeping, you’re sneaking out to make phone calls in the middle of the night, will you…just tell me what’s wrong? Is it work?” 

Ben exhales. “I'm sorry,” he squeezes back. Because it’s not her fault. It’s not her fault he really needs to break up with her and he knows it, he just doesn’t want to do it before her work Christmas party thing. 

He needs a plan; that’ll make him feel better. The plan is to avoid Leslie until they get through Eva's party and the double date with Chris and Ann, and then tell Eva…it’s not working and he’s really sorry a respectable three weeks before Christmas, and then…then he can figure out how he’s going to tell Leslie he’s spent the last decade in love with her. 

It’s a solid plan. Unfortunately, Leslie Knope in and of herself is a curve ball. 

“Speak of the devil!” Eva shouts abruptly and waves. Ben spins just in time to see Leslie and Ann approaching them. Ann’s…glaring? Sort of? She’s making that squinty face she makes when Leslie’s got a plan she doesn’t totally agree with as they close the distance. 

“Hey guys!” Eva beams, reaching forward and hugging them both warmly. They do that now. 

“We’re just shopping for our big dinner Saturday. Ben had no idea it was you,” Eva raps Ann lightly. Ann looks mildly horrified, and Leslie’s just…

She’s not even looking at him. 

“I thought Leslie would’ve told you for sure, honey.” 

“They haven’t talked since you guys went to Indy,” Ann’s words are cutting, and when Ben finally lifts his eyes she’s staring him down. 

“Are they fighting?” Eva glances between them. No one answers and Eva rolls her eyes. 

“Thaaaaat’s why you’ve been such a grump lately,” she turns to Leslie. “Trust me, whatever it is, I’m sure Ben was in the wrong and he hasn't been himself since.” 

Leslie finally looks at him - sideways, not full on, but it’s enough - Ben swears he hasn’t felt the urge to just grab her and kiss her like this in a long time. He usually wants to kiss her, but not to the point where it overwhelms everything logical in his brain. 

Fuck, she looks sad, listless, so not like Leslie, like she’s doubting herself, thinking too hard, like the world’s crashing around her. If Eva and Ann weren't there, hell, even if Ann was still there, he’d probably cup her cheek and ask her to talk to him. He forgets to care how they look to anyone when she’s this sad. 

“Hey Leslie,” Eva seems to notice she’s not herself either. “Would you…I can never decide on a dessert and you’ve probably tried them all, can you…do you mind helping me pick one? For Saturday?” 

“Oh,” Leslie springs back to life, giving her an easy smile that doesn't touch her eyes. “Sure, yeah, definitely. It’s…the dessert case is just over there…” 

“Thanks,” Eva smiles gratefully and steps out from beside him. Ben’s watching them round the corner when Ann Perkins shoves him and almost knocks over a bunch of salad dressings in the process. 

“What _the fuck_ is wrong with you, dude?” 

“Whoooa. Cool it,” he grabs her arms. “What the hell are you talking about?” 

“I can’t take this,” she pushes him away and throws her hands up. “I seriously cannot take this anymore. I cannot take another minute of this, let alone another fucking decade, and I don’t care what I promised…” 

Ben’s stomach hits the floor. 

“What…wait, what’s…what did you…what?” 

“Do you like her?” 

“E-Eva?” He knew she didn’t mean Eva and she knew he knew that, so she punched him in the arm and he grunted. 

“Ow.” 

“No, not _Eva_. Do you think I care if you like Eva? _Leslie_ , obviously. This playing dumb schtick is getting really fucking old. Henry agrees.” 

“Wait, you talked to Henry?” 

“We talk sometimes. Usually about your stupidity. Both of your stupidity. He’s the only one who understands the pain I feel.” 

“Since…when?” 

“Since we hooked up that Spring Break we all went to the lake.” 

“You hooked up with my brother? How the hell did I not know about this?” 

“You were high on pain killers after your kidney stone. It’s not weird - Anyway, not the point, Wyatt. Answer the question!”

 “Yes! Obviously. Of course I like Leslie. I love Leslie. Leslie’s - ”

“Please do not say she is your best friend or I’ll punch you again,” Ann gives her head a shake, like she’s psyching herself up for something. 

“I mean do you like her as in…make out with her, put your penis inside her, buy a house together, marry her, put babies in her, hold her hand while you wait for election results, like her?”

His cheeks are flaming and his hand jerks to clamp over Ann’s mouth. She totally just shouted that at him.

“Shhhhh, good lord.” 

“Do you!?” 

“YES! Okay?! Yes. Of…all that. Yes.”

Ann takes a breath and he yanks his hand away. 

“You need to tell her that. Now, not when you’re eighty. This holding pattern is ridiculous and it’s been ridiculous for at least six years, so you need to grow a pair and tell her.” 

“I…I will! I’m going to…I can’t take it anymore either, I just…am trying to get through this weekend. It’s her - Eva’s - work Christmas thing on Friday and I don't want to…I’m trying not to hurt her more than I have to, okay?” 

“Fine,” Ann sighs. “Fine, Ben, do that. You’re a nice guy, that’s a nice guy thing to do. You’ve clearly thought this through.” 

“Thank you - ”

“Just know that every minute you wait, the person you’re hurting the most is the person you love the most.” 

He rubs his forehead. She’s totally right.

 “What you think you heard on the phone that night? You heard.” 

His blood turns to ice in his veins. _Fuck, fuck, fuck_. 

Ann plasters a smile on his face and her gaze shifts over his shoulder before he can say anymore. Leslie and Eva are back.

“What’d you pick?” 

“Cheesecake,” Ben answers for them without thinking. Leslie shoots him a look and Eva swats him. 

“It was supposed to be a surprise for Ann!” 

“Ann’s not surprised Leslie told you to pick a cheesecake.” 

Eva laughs easily and sets the bakery box in their buggy. “Alright, we should…go finish getting everything. But we’ll see you on Saturday, Ann, right? I can’t wait.” 

Eva hugs Ann warmly again and Ben winces at the little pang of guilt he feels. It’ll only be worse by Saturday. She turns back to Leslie and Ben and gestures between them. 

“Are you still mad at each other or are you gonna hug it out?” 

“We’re okay,” Leslie laughs. How does she look so calm? “I was being weird, I don’t know why.” 

His fingers are shaking as he draws her in for a brief hug, face landing in her hair. Soft, smelling of lavender; she must've changed her shampoo. 

“I’ll call you soon,” he whispers. 

Leslie nods and pats his chest, offering him a bright smile that's clearly forced. It doesn't light up her whole face. “Have fun tomorrow.” 

“Thanks!” Eva hugs her too. Good lord, why are they hugging so much? 

“I’ll call you,” he promises Leslie again. It hurts to only be able to give her that, but he’s got a plan and it’s well thought out and it will create the least collateral damage. 

And then he’ll do it. He’ll stop living in ambiguity and tell Leslie how he feels. 

Holy crap, he might need some liquid courage first though.


End file.
